my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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