The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
