Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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