I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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