She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
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I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
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Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
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