Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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