you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
