Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
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Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
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