Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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