if you like me you must not know who I am
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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