you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
