I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
