I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Rumble strips road head = magical
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
