I cut my penus on the lid.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
