just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
