Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
