I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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