Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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