He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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