Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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