If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
