Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
