Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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