ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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