My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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