When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
