You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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