sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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