my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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