he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
