You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
