god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
