How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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