i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
