I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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