Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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