You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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