More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
