ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
