Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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