I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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