I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
