I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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