Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I pour the whiskey from now on
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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