apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
