Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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