ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
