well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
