Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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