ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
