worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
