is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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