So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
