i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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