the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
